The Compassionate Edge

Empathy: “Direct identification with, understanding of, and vicarious experience of another person’s situation, feelings and motives.” Does empathy help you grow your business? Upon first glance, it would appear that being able to relate to another person’s experience is a key strategic advantage. For a broker, it would seem to be a useful component in the arsenal of tools for recruiting, training and coaching of potential and existing agents.

Empathy has been touted as the most powerful ingredient for successfully helping others, particularly in servicebased professions. Here is the truth. Empathy is a drain. Vicariously living another person’s pain and suffering does nothing but create pain and suffering. Taking on someone else’s negative feelings about anything in order to relate to them more effectively has us delving into the depths of their despair right along side them and does nothing good for them and certainly does nothing good for us.

EMPATHY/COMPASSION

So how can we feel and understand what our agents are experiencing without taking
their suffering upon our shoulders? We can accompany them on their journey, validate their experience, share our common stories and circumstances and travel past their misery allowing them to move forward. The only thing that empathy does is to allow them to remain stuck. If we are to step into our preferred role as their mentor, guide, confidante and leader, then we must eliminate the idea of empathy and replace it with compassion.

Compassion: “Acceptance of another person’s circumstances while accessing a vision of them in a better state.” By definition, the biggest and most important distinction between empathy and compassion is viewing “them in a better state” and holding that vision clearly in mind.

The last thing that agents need is our empathy; they need to know we understand and care and that we have an unfailing belief in their ability to succeed, regardless of current circumstances.They need us to lead them, guide them and direct their energy toward achieving their goals and dreams.

PUT TO THE TEST

I’d like to share an amazing story about Maggie Mouscardy, a real estate agent in California and one of our coaching clients. Her story exemplifies the distinction between empathy and compassion. When we act from a place of compassion rather than from a place of empathy great things come our way; her story is a lesson for us all. She took in a homeless woman, and together they have given each other the gift of living each day with gratitude, hope and joy.

It was this spring, a couple of weeks before the Armory in Santa Ana, California, closed its doors to its Homeless program for the summer hiatus, that Maggie Mouscardy heard about the work they were doing and was moved to go out and help serve dinner. When she arrived at the Armory that first night something changed forever inside of Maggie. She was drawn to a young woman who was sitting on her
mat eating dinner.

Her name was Raquel, and there was just some quality about her that drew Maggie towards her, a goodness and sense of gratitude that made her stand out from all the others. Once they had met, Maggie heard a voice from within her say, “You can’t leave her.” Responding to the calling, Maggie reached out to Raquel offering to give her shelter in her home, and helping her find a job and a place to live.

Maggie says that she “never felt so sure of what she was doing in her life, feeling incredibly compassionate, warm and glowing inside.” Raquel had come from an abusive marriage that resulted in social services taking away her 9 month old daughter, and placing Maggie in a Psychiatric Institution. She has lived on the streets for the 3 years since her release.

The metamorphosis of Raquel has been amazing. Within a few weeks of living with Maggie, Raquel secured a job at a flower shop which also provided her with a room. She left a “tremendously beautiful” bouquet in her room for Maggie when she left. The story, although still happy, did not have a fairy tale ending. Within two weeks it turned out that the flower shop owner wanted more than flower arranging in exchange for her room, and Raquel left, returning to live with Maggie and is already engaged in another job.

GIVE AND TAKE

Maggie and Raquel have learned much from each other. Maggie had been experiencing a very difficult time in her life, feeling financially stretched with the real estate market conditions and emotionally drained as well. Since Raquel has come into her life, business has been coming her way. She feels as if God is rewarding her for her kindness, although she didn’t do it for reward.

When Maggie saw what life was like at the Armoury she was, “filled with gratitude and felt privileged that she could help feed the homeless.” And as for Raquel, she prayed that someone would come and help her. Maggie has encouraged Raquel to keep
her daughter in her heart, write her letters, and birthday cards and keep them all. “Life” she says, “has a funny way of bringing back to us what is really ours.”

Maggie gave Raquel the most incredible gift. Through Maggie’s compassion, Raquel was able to see herself differently, to step into her own shoes and, with self confidence and an inner strength walk independently. Isn’t this what we want our agents to do? What does help us grow our business? As brokers, when our actions are motivated from a place of compassion, we are able help agents to reach their goals and dreams and when we do that we are giving ourselves the most wonderful gift as well. “Life has a funny way of bringing back to us what is really ours.”